Haley wanted to borrow some DVD's that were in my boxes of old school stuff that didn't get flooded in the basement. Finding the DVD's meant finding an old photo album that I'd actually been thinking about just the other day. The photo album is photos I took pretty much in 2001 and most of them in black and white. I might have thought I was Ansel Adams at the time but in looking at the pictures last night - I wasn't anywhere close.
The album primarily contains pictures from the road trip Haley and I took in the summer of 2001. We wanted to go to a concert, were at the time on a Barenaked Ladies Binge, and they just happened to be playing in Holmdel, NJ so we decided to pack our bags, hit the road and go on a grand adventure. And oh what a grand adventure it was. It was an "On the Road" ala Jack Kerouac style but also sort of like Jackie Kennedy and her sister Lee going to Paris, but we went to New York (and New Jersey, and Pennsylvania, and a bunch of other states...even Delaware but that was on accident.)
I knew that this picture was in my album, and that's what I had been thinking about the last little while.
It might be a little vain, but this may be my most favorite picture of myself ever! Thanks Haley for taking it of me on the top of the Empire State Building. The picture has got me reminiscing all night and most of the day today about that time in my life...which right now feels so far away that it maybe never happened, it could have just been a dream.
I don't just love that picture because of the fact that I'm nearly 50 lbs lighter than I am now, or that my hair is blowing so dramatically in the wind, or that I'm standing on top of the world, but I love what it stands for. I feel like that image defined me - who I was then. That girl was bold, brilliant, brave, and full of adventure (or at least as much adventure that I've ever been prone to enjoy). That girl was smart, funny, talented, fun to be with, talk to, and be stuck in a car with across an entire country for thousands of miles of adventure.
The problem is, somehow...I've lost that girl. I'm not her anymore. I think I want to be, but the means to finding her again seem to be beyond my grasp. Yes, life changes. We grow up, become "adults" and accept more responsibility than we ever dreamed of. The thing is, that picture was taken about seven years ago exactly, and seven years doesn't seem like that much time to have lost her - that girl with the spirit and life. It's like when Peter Pan lost his shadow and he tried to get it back on with soap and he had to have Wendy help him sew it on because silly Peter, you can't put your shadow back on with soap.
How do I get that girl back? Who can help me "sew" her back on?
I have a great life that I truly love. My monkey means the world to me! My husband, when we can actually figure out how to get along, does, too. It's really sort of a dreamy situation - stay at home working mom with a husband who earns a good wage and I still get to try and be creative and fulfilled and raise a happy and aware and kind little boy. So, what's the problem, right?
I don't know! Any of you out there on the Internets that ever read my blog have any ideas on how to find the you that you once were who is now lost and gone, hopefully not forever?
I'm open to suggestions.
9 comments:
Hey Annie, I do know exactly what you are saying. If you do find the answers you seek pass it around and I promise to do the same. I admit I've felt defeated and stopped trying to look most of the time as it has gotten a little too depressing. Your in my thoughts as I can tell from your blogs of late that life has been a real roller coaster. Having had my own severe ups and downs every positive thought ever sent my way was appreciated and I am sure you appreciate them too.
I love this. I love that picture and your story. I have been feeling this way a lot lately and thinking of the girl that I used to be and wondering how she slipped away from me so easily. I have no idea how to get her back -- if she can even be "got" back, or if she's completely gone and just morphed into who I am today. Hope your guys' quarantining is going OK. I've been thinking about you!
Move away from this place! Utah is draining.
Or...
Quit thinking "how it used to be" and concentrate on REALLY feeling what you say about "loving your life" now. Dwelling on the past, be it positive or negative, will eat you from the inside.
Or...
Get some more medication.
The littlest things in life can make one feel much better! I think everyone is entitled to having a bad day or week. Especially with everything that has happened the last week or so. For me having “girl time’ makes me feel a lot better. I think you should pamper yourself with a pedicure and a night or day to do something that you haven't done in awhile. One of my favorite things to do on a nice summer night is to drive with the windows down as the sun is about to set. Nothing could make me calmer or peaceful then that. I hope some of this helps. I’ve been thinking about you. Please let me know if I can help out with anything. <3
you are too funny....i love that pic by the way. i've been working on a post for nearly a week now about "what defines me".....it's corny and i think it was inspired by watching too much reality tv but i hate to tell you - you will NEVER be that girl again.
*super heavy sigh*
you have forever changed and i guess it has it's goods and it's bads. you get to be in a whole new "club" of us women who have to identity other than to say "i'm elliotti's mom".......which is amazing and fun and awesome but still lacking because there is that whole OTHER person we used to be......there is so much about the person i used to be that i miss. that confidence and that feeling of being invincible and there is so much i don't miss about that person.....and certainly i don't like feeling this vulnerable. i hate being the "mean" one.....if only my kids knew how much i love them and how hard i work and try at things for them. it's really hard being a mom. it only makes me wonder how Heavenly Father feels about us. how much he has given and how much he loves us.....ug.
so i'm sorry i wish i could tell you that you will be that girl again but you won't. i'm just happy for you that you have a snapshot in time of that girl. because you'll need that picture to remind you of who you used to be. just think of the fact that you have evolved into a higher being - one that has given life to another through the grace of God......and only he has given you that responsibility to raise elliott and teach elliott the things he needs to know in order to return to his Father in Heaven......with you there.
It is true that you will never be "that girl" again. But that is OK because you are more than what that girl was. The thing is this: "that girl" only had to look out for herself -- that is why she was so daring and adventurous. She did not have to concern herself with the needs of Elliot or Ross. She did not have to worry about how her decisions would affect others; there were no others (well, there were others such as mom and dad, etc. But they are not the same as your child or husband). You are now more than what that girl was -- she is still with you, but she is a part of what is now a different whole. It takes courage and adventure to raise children in this time and age. It takes courage and a definite sense of adventure to be married to a guy like Ross. You have changed and you will continue to change; but that is what it is all about. Reflect on what “that girl” learned and who that girl became – no need to lament for her; rejoice for what she able to accomplish and who she helped you to become – a wonderful person who is defined by many factors and many experiences.
She'll show up again in your late 30's when...there are fewer people (no matter how much we love them)who depend on you constantly and suck that "girl" out of you. When you can sleep 8 hours for 5 nights in a row...I'm sure she'll be back.
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