shock and awe

I have a wonderful family and amazing parents.  These 11 individuals are my world.  I value their time and their love, our dedication to each other.  As a 38 year old, I still want my parents to be proud of me and value their opinion.  I love my sister (and her family) and my brother fiercely and would do anything for them.  My husband and children mean more than the world to me and I will protect them forever, as best as I can, from all the nasty in the world.

I was raised to be thoughtful and kind.  To treat others with respect no matter who they are, what they look like, or how dumb I might really think they could be.  To work hard to get what I want.  To be on time.  To treat others as I'd like to be treated.  I'm doing my best to teach my children these same things.  We have conversations about race and gender.  Every single day when they get out of the car to go to school I tell them, "Be kind to everyone!" and hope that they heed my advice.

The outcome of the 2016 presidential election, and my current morning after are hitting me harder than I thought.  I've found myself fighting back tears and my stomach hurts.  How silly, right?  My country, my state, members of my religion elected a bully to be president.   Chose someone who has said out loud, so many hateful and horrible things about so many different people...said things I fight every day to keep my children from feeling and thinking.

I voted for Hillary Clinton.  Not because of her history or her controversies, or even so much her politics.  And not as a protest to Trump.  I voted for her, because she was a HER.  Because I felt so empowered as a woman in a country run by men that, the mere possibility that a woman could be in charge - could be the commander in chief gave me goosebumps.  She was no more corrupt than anyone else, no more scandalous.  But I truly felt that I could believe that a woman, a mother, a grandmother, could bring something to this office, this country, that we had never had before.  I was so hopeful that my sons could see a woman in power, for all the girls of America to see that yes, the really could do it.  A girl could finally win!

The femminist in me doesn't believe in giving up, that there will be another chance, maybe even in my lifetime, for a woman to reach the highest office in the land.  The realist in me however, is questioning so many things this morning, that I don't even know where to start.

This was an historical election, and I am historically bummed.