Stuck in a rut....

I'm sure that if I were to flashback to the first months after Wyatt was born, my feelings and thoughts would be the same as they are these days.  I know back then I was completely stricken with intense anxiety and went on Prozac for 6 months.  I know I was overwhelmed trying to figure out two kids and felt completely ignored and under appreciated in all aspects of my life.  I know that I was a little depressed about being super overweight and jiggly.  My skin was sensitive and I had a strange numb spot in my back as a side effect from my spinal for surgery.  I was also completely fried because I had a job, didn't get any maternity leave, and was totally losing my mind.

When Wyatt was three months old I sucked it up and went to a doctor, figured out how to calm down a bit, and just tried to enjoy being a mom.  I never took all the xanex he prescribed for me.  I still have two left, three years later.

Now, I'm in the same position.  I have an almost three month old at home, with two other children.  Overall, adjusting to three has been smoother than my adjustment to two kids.  It's totally overwhelming and requires my maximum organizational and list making skills at all times, but things are working.  They are working better than I ever could have imagined them to work.  I'm on blood pressure medication.  Most of the anxieties I had adjusting to two children are present again with three children, but I think I'm handling it better.  I know I'm still a little depressed about how I look and how I feel but I just don't have time to think about it - I've changed my hair color and chopped all my hair off, that's helped a bit.

This time though, I don't have a job adding unnecessary stress to my life.  Just the second of a series of kind of boring online classes that I'm taking.  I still need to go to a doctor because I'm almost out of blood pressure meds, I've got some serious back aches and even 11 weeks out of having a baby, my ankles and hands are still swollen.

But....

But.....

Life is good.  Once I ignore how uptight I am and how grumpy I am and how completely stressed out and exhausted I feel nearly every second of the day, its easy to realize I'm such a lucky girl.

I have three little boys who love each other.  And two big brothers who show absolutely no sign of getting tired of their baby brother, the massive amounts of my time that he demands, and the smells that come out of his rear end.  They still want to love and hold and talk to him every single day.

I still manage, just barely, to come up with enough crafts and projects to keep the big boys happy. Thank heavens I remembered about painting snow from last year.

I have the sweetest newborn in the entire world who just figured out how to stick out his tongue, nap a little bit, and last night he slept in his crib for the first time. He slept from 9:30 pm to 5:00 am. Awesome baby boy.

I also have a hot chocolate machine, a really smart brother who got accepted to the University of Kansas School of Engineering two days ago, and a super awesome family.

Its hard to be honest about feeling like a wreck.  About feeling like a failure.  Yeah, i still get up, get dressed, comb my hair and put on make-up and tackle my list daily but its a struggle every morning I tell ya.  My grandma always used to say that if you were sad or bummed out to fake being happy and if you faked it long enough, eventually you'd believe it.

It's probably time I take that advice to heart and give it a try.