Full Circle

Do you know what today is? One year ago today, I figured out that a little baby would be joining the family. There are many days I won't forget in my life, but this day surely tops the list. Last year on May 30, I was driving the work van to St. George to teach a two day class. I hadn't felt well for a few days, but ask anyone who knows me and that is pretty standard quo. "I don't feel good", and "I'm tired" are pretty much always coming out of my mouth.

As I was alone in the car w/ NPR a thought popped into my head. The more I kept trying to ignore the thought, the stronger it was. I was alone with that thought for about 5 hours, in the white mini van. The thought was a little terrifying, but the fact that I couldn't get it out of my head was even worse.

Once I arrived and unpacked a bit I decided that I couldn't deal with the thought anymore so I headed to Walgreen's to purchase a very important, life changing test to settle things once and for all. Luckily, I was alone, in a city a couple hundred miles from home, so I didn't worry too much about being seen or embarrassed. Still, I bought about $50 worth of stuff I didn't need just to be safe. I bought toothpaste, deodorant, a Glamour and US magazine and headed back to the lonely hotel room. It was just me, my purchases, and the fast food I picked up at an Arby's that was on the right side of the street.

I ate, flipped through the magazines, brushed my teeth and sat on the bed reading the test directions a million times. The package I bought had two tests and once I felt confident I knew what to do, I took the first test. I left it on the bathroom counter of my hotel room and waited patiently. It was only supposed to take 1 minute or less, but I waited 5 or so, scared to death of the result, which ever way it turned out.

The test I bought said the word for my potential condition. No blue lines or plus signs, but the actual word. After my 5 minutes were up, I walked into the bathroom, shaking a bit and completely sick to my stomach (That however, could have been the curly fries). I looked down at the test on the stark white counter top and...got the word. I had no idea how to react. I just stood in the bathroom for what felt like hours, staring at the results. I smiled a bit, got extremely sick to my stomach (definitely wasn't the curly fries), and threw the test away, deciding that it was a false positive and I'd take the other one in the morning.

Sleep didn't come so easily and after a rather fitful night, first thing the next morning, I took the second test. Rather than leave the room, I watched it countdown to give me the results. I got that word again, in less than 30 seconds. Holy Schnikes, Batman! Now what? Not really knowing what to do, I took a picture of the test with my cell phone, for documentation purposes, in case I needed to tell Ross. Then, I went to work. I had two days of teaching to do, and no one to share my news with.

My last night in St. George, as I was eating a Chili's salad in my hotel room, and after I'd done a ton of research on babies and that word, using the Internet in my room, I told Ross that I had something exciting to show him when I got home. I knew for 3 days, in a far away city, the news that would change our lives, but I wasn't going to tell him over the phone. In fact, once I got the chance, I couldn't tell him face to face.

When I arrived home from my work trip, he was waiting for me, wondering what my news was. I couldn't say the word, but I could pull up the picture on my cell phone and let Ross figure it out. He was excited, and decided that me immediately must head to a Barnes and Noble and purchase books. We did that the next night.

I still have a hard time saying the word, but I am very happy and completely in love with the results.

That, my friends, is a good day to remember.

Songs in the key of Pooh

Elliott didn't sleep last night...at all. Very frustrating, but this morning we figured out why he didn't sleep...his plumbing wasn't working properly and he was a little backed up. He seems to have resolved those issues and is now asleep in his car seat at my feet.



When Elliott can't sleep, I sing him songs. Though I can't particularly carry a tune, he doesn't seem to mind and we've got quite a repertoire going so far. He seems partial to the Winnie the Pooh song, but is starting to develop a love of the Beatles and Elvis, along with all of the songs from the musical Grease. Good thing I watched that movie almost every day of my life until I was 16 or so.

Elliott, in the middle of the night last night developed a fondness for the Beatles "All my Lovin" as well as celebrating the entire Abbey Road album. Do you like Abbey Road?

After a rough night like last night it is always nice to see the morning and today's morning is particularly beautiful. Enjoy the shot from the rocking chair, in Elliott's fortress of baby-ness. It's nice to see a morning that marks the start of a beautiful spring-like 50 degree day.

4 weeks, but whose counting

Tomorrow, Elliott is four weeks old. We'll celebrate his official one month birthday on February 23, but still, 4 weeks is quite the milestone. He is still breathing, eating, sleeping, and taking care of business every day. That's a lot of work for a little guy that weighs just over 10 pounds.

It blows my mind every day, especially in the middle of the night when I am feeding him a bottle and trying desperately to stay awake, how much and how quickly someones life can change and how fast you can love someone you just met, even if he has your finger length toes and his dad's upper lip. In our case, our lives changed very quickly for the better, for weeks ago. Ross and I got to the hospital at 6 am, and had a baby by 8:25. The c-section was a totally crazy experience. I walked myself into the operating room, sat on a table and within seconds of having a giant needle jabbed into my back I lost all feeling from the chest down but was sure that I could definitely move my toes if only I had enough energy and will power. From the needle to the baby, it was sheer minutes and the first thing I said to Ross as he was hovering over my very numb and very drowsy body as Elliott was born was, "oh my goodness, I can breathe!" That feeling was the best thing in the whole world, at the time anyway.

As I was talking to my mom today about important life decisions like work, the future, and mom guilt, she told me that Elliott has made me tough. Not the whole surgery aspect of his arrival, but the first 10 days of his life. I guess if you can walk out of the hospital and leave your sick little baby there, trusting him to the care of others, and not start bawling until you get in the car, your tough! And, not seeing your own baby in person for almost the entire first day of his life, and not being able to hold him for two days makes you tough. And, only being able to see him twice a day for about 30 minutes a visit because you are following nurses orders makes you tough. I don't know if it's toughness or just some kind of internal drive, but I truly feel for those parents though that have to leave their babies for weeks or months; that must be the most difficult thing in the whole world. I guess that my mom is right though, perhaps after our experience at the hospital, I am invincible! Well, not invincible, but definitely tougher. You have to be tough to be a parent, right?

But, I digress! In just a few minutes on January 23, our lives changed forever, and in such a good way. In one month, Elliott has gained about 3 pounds and I'm sure three inches in length. He is happy, active, content, loves to stare and thinks that he is the strongest baby in the world. He smells good and can shoot a pee stream to challenge any boy scout. He loves music (Guster, Cold Play, and anything else that comes onto shuffle on the iPod...except the Black Eyed Peas...sorry Fergie, Elliot doesn't think your "fergilicious") and has very ticklish toes. Eating is the most important thing in the world to him, but when he decides to snuggle, it nearly melts my heart.

I guess most importantly, Elliot has turned Ross and myself into official grown-ups. Our conversations have shifted from current events, to feeding schedules and from pop-culture to poopy diapers. Everyone who reads the blog has probably noticed a major shift in content. That's because, one, we have had a shift in content in our lives and two, I am home every day without a lot of stuff to look at or people to talk to, though I was lucky enough to see CNN break the Anna Nicole story. That's one for the memory books. Hopefully, once we get more into the swing of parenthood, we'll figure out how to incorporate the world back into our newly created bubble.

Back on that life changing idea...I've been thinking a lot about that lately. Elliott is lucky enough to have 6 living great-grandparents who love him dearly and all four of his grandparents, not counting the oodles of extended family to love him and give him kisses. We are so lucky to have so much family around and for our little boy to grow up with so much love and support. Especially because you never know what will happen to your family or loved ones every day. A cousin of my mom's passed away over the weekend after months of hospitalization, surgeries, and struggle. Her teenage daughters were left with the heart-breaking decision of when to pull the plug and are now left without their mom. I couldn't live without my mom and having to make the decision of when he heads to heaven would be the most difficult decision ever to be made. There weren't many times that I was ever around this cousin of my mom's but the news of her death over the weekend really reminded me of how fragile life is and how in the blink of an eye, we see dramatic and life altering change every single day.

Right now, I'll take my baby that cries in the middle of the night and stares at me all day long. He loves me, I think, and that's just about the best thing in the whole world.

Happy Valentine's Day

Ross and I don't celebrate V-day. Yes, add that to my list of anti-holiday-ness (especially made up completely commercial holidays). I don't require him to get me a gift of jewelry or chocolate and I don't give him a tie or a cute teddy bear in return. I guess that we figure we LOVE each other enough that we don't have to buy something stupid to express those feelings. Right, Ross?

Even though we don't celebrate being struck by Cupid's arrow a little over 5 years ago, we will let Elliott express his feelings on this oh so frivolous and ridiculous day. A couple of weeks ago, Grandma Judy, on a shopping excursion, bought Elliott something special to wear today. He's wearing it and wanted to wish you all a happy fake holiday.

Click To Play

3 weeks

This is what a monkey baby looks like when he refuses to burp, no matter how hard you pound on his back.

Any suggestions?

We feed him, I promise

Click To Play

Elliott is a hungry boy. We shot this little video last night after our attempts at a calming bath were met by rebellion...and poop. Thus, only a diaper and a blanket until Ross and I could gather our thoughts and come to the realization that Elliott truly was hungry again. How do we know? He eats his fingers, or his sleeve, or mom's shirt...whatever he can get into his mouth. No matter how much he eats, two hours later, he is ready to eat again. Does this mean he is growing? I hope so. Ross and I will do our best however, to avoid plumping him up enough to get ourselves onto the Maury Povich show.

We've now had our boy home for a week and I've never been so tired in all my life. He's a pretty active little monkey and definitely seems to have a sense that he is missing out on life if he is asleep...even in the middle of the night when the only thing to do is eat, listen to me sing him songs and ramble on about the days events and watch I Love New York on VH1. That show totally sucks, by the way. Luckily though, when he actually falls asleep...we get to see Elliott supremely happy. He smiles, and even laughs in his sleep and must be having phenomenal dreams...about eating no doubt. That seems to be what makes him the most happy. That, and watching basketball with dad.

2 weeks old

A day early, but so what! Tomorrow morning Elliott will be 2 weeks old. Time sure flies, doesn't it. I hardly remember what it was like before he joined our family and looking at him, it seems impossible that he was inside of me...he's just too big.

Today was his post NICU/2 week check-up at the pediatrician and the numbers are in. Oxygen levels were at 97%, he officially weighs 8 lb 11 oz and is 21.25 inches long. Elliott didn't even cry when his heel was pricked for his PKU test. He did however pee all over his dad's lap.

Yeah, Yeah, he's a monkey's uncle

Words can't describe the excitement Willie had for Elliott last night when the two were finally reunited at last.

Willie burst into the house, ran to the sink to wash his hands, and joined me on the couch, anxiously awaiting his chance to finally hold Elliot...the nephew. The baby that made him an uncle. The baby he had to wait 10 days to get his hand on...or even get close enough to actually make sure that he was 3 dimensional and had all his fingers and toes. Willie even had a shower in preparation for meeting the monkey baby!

Last night was definitely a Kodak moment (well, Nikon moment) and, by looking at the pictures, one of those instances where a picture truly is worth a thousand words.

Home At Last!

After nine and a half days in the NICU, Elliott is home. Elation doesn't even begin to describe how we feel right now. We went in for his 11:30 feeding this morning hoping that we would get to bring him home later this evening and they let us bring him home at noon.

So far, so good as he's already done his business, had a nap, and eaten lunch. We'll see how the rest of the day...and our lives...go from here.


Almost time to leave the hospital


Ready to go home


In his bed at home

Someone decided to wake-up

Click To Play

As you can see from the little movie, the baby now known as Elliott decided to wake up. He is finally alert enough and not swollen enough to get his cute little eyes open and share his thoughts on the world of which he has none at this point, except that he doesn't like cold thermometers under his arpit. (Disclaimer: The dinosaur noises in the video are being made by Dad, not Elliott) We were so excited to have him stare at us last night that we could hardly contain ourselves.



You probablly noticed in the movie the big splint thing on his arm. Well, no need to be concerned. Last night, he graduated from the IV in the belly to his arm. However, he gave his night shift nurse a little trouble and managed to pull that IV out so when we got to see him this morning, his IV is now in his head. Yuck is right. Elliott doesn't seem to mind though and he completely enjoys having his arms free.

Last night they also weighed and measured the little guy and he is clocking in at 8 lb 4 oz. and 21 inches long. No, he didn't grow 2 inches in 5 days, but we figure in the rush of things last Tuesday he definately got short changed.

Also, and perhaps the most exciting part of today is that his air hose in his nose is gone. When we went to feed Elliott at our 11:30 appointment, he was for the first time wearing clothes and breathing completely on his own. Yeah little monkey!


We are getting so much closer to having our little guy home that the anticipation is just eating away at us. After speaking with the wonderful doctor today, we are now going to have carseat and diaper bag ready at all times. Before Elliott can come home he has to keep eating and breathing, and sit up in his car seat w/o forgetting all of that. Then, he's ours w/o nurses or tubes.

(click on either of the still shots to see more of Elliott on flickr.)

Home Sweet Home

Well, Ross and I made it home. It was extremely emotional leaving the hospital today, but, being home is nice. Elliott is still in the NICU and it is terribly lonely without him, but he is doing exceptionally well. He is eating...a whole 10ml every three hours but because he's done so well with that, his quantity will start to increase. He is also a peeing machine, which is excellent because that is helping him get rid of all the extra fluid that he has retained from all the meds he was on for almost two whole days.

As we were on our way out from his 2:30 feeding we asked the doctor what Elliott's next milestone is. The Doc said, "He just needs to eat his way out of here."



Very promising for us indeed. Not only is the outlook bright, but Willie got to see his little monkey nephew for the first time today. Yeah! Willie isn't old enough to get into the NICU, but because Elliot has graduated to the front of the class, we were able to open the blinds and let Willie and Dad and Ross/Mom watch as his vitals were done and he sucked down another bottle in about 20 seconds flat. I was so happy that "my boy" could finally see my baby. What a great day!



And...most importantly perhaps, the little guy finally opened his eyes, sort of. He is four days old and up until today, we hadn't seen what his eyes even look like but we scored twice and got him to open up his puffy little eyes at both feedings today. He sort of looks like a cross between a pirate and an old man, but we'll take it.

I managed to upload a bunch of picutres to Flickr to look at so feel free to take a peek. Otherwise, Ross and I are exhausted and will probablly disappear for a while unless there is more great news to share.

The best feeling in the world

I am supposed to be resting, but Ross is in the bed because he doesn't feel well and I am a bit stir crazy. Plus, I found a computer with the internet, and wanted to share a few thoughts for those of you out there keeping track.

Elliott is doing great. We got to hold him again this morning and he is getting squirmy and is very close to waking up. They took out his feeding tube last night and as soon as he wakes up and gets hungry...he eats and if the timing works out, we get to feed him.

Everything at this point is going really well. I feel great! Much better than I thought I would and can post some details of the whole experience later.

However, I just wanted to share that the absolute best feeling in the whole world is holding your little baby. It took over 12 hours for me to even be able to see my little guy on Tuesday and finally getting to hold him last night nearly took my breath away. He is just the sweetest little thing in the whole world and I can't believe he is mine. Maybe, if he behaves, I'll share Elliott with Ross, too.

We will be coming home tomorrow, and hopefully our little monkey baby can join us early next week. At that point, I'm sure chaos will ensue, but until then...keep Elliott in your thoughts and prayers.

Progress

Good news - Elliott is maintaining his temperature and does not need the heat lamp anymore.

He is all wrapped up like a baby (with an outfit) and we got to hold him last night.

He is still coming out of sedation, but he is sucking his fingers and making noises.

Here is a picture of mom's first chance to hold him.

E, double L, I, O, double T!

He is here.

Born 1-23-07 at 8:25 AM.

7 lbs. 12. ozs.

Just under 20" with lots of hair.

He has a little bit of fluid in his lungs (common with c-section births), so they have been helping him breathe, but he is doing better now.

Annie is doing well.

Final Thoughts

It's Monday afternoon and I am still patiently awaiting a phone call with our surgery time tomorrow. The wait is a little un-nerving because I wanted the call first thing this morning and I have actually had oodles of phone calls this am, which never happens, from everyone under the sun except the doctor. Arg!

As I sit at my computer trying to not stare at my phone, I've got a few final thoughts before my (our) life changes dramatically.

This was our last weekend just the two of us and we did nothing. We went about our daily business and did actually go to a move on Saturday night (Ross finally got to see "Casino Royale" and fall in love with James Bond movies all over again) but other than that, you wouldn't know that big changes were in the works.

Of those big changes, I'm ready. Ross is nervous, but I don't feel nervous. I actually feel pretty calm about the whole thing...just very anxious (Ring Phone! Ring!) and ready for the next step. Judging from this picture that I took on Friday afternoon, I think you might agree that we're ready for Part II of this whole baby thing.

My feet look like they are an entire planet away and the giant orb blocking their view is "Gary".

It's amazing, when you think about it, how much patience this whole baby process takes. We've spend 38 weeks to get us to this point and then the kid will be here tomorrow literally in a matter of minutes. Crazy how all of that works out.

One thing that I am hoping for is that the diabetes gets itself under control. That the loss of an extra person, 35 pounds, and an immense appetite will bring things under control. Since July, I've been keeping all my used needles in a milk jug on the kitchen counter. Not very appetizing, I know, but I can't just throw them in the trash. I think that is illegal among other things. Well, as of this weekend, the milk jug is pretty much full. Just look at it.

The needles are practially oozing out the top of the jug. I'm sure I can squeeze a few more in, but hopefully once the squeezing is done, then, I'll be done with the viles, needles, bruised hips, and dramatically altered life routine. Well, I'll probably keep the altered routine...that should be good for me to maintain.

Anyway, those are some final thoughts. Well, not really any thoughts at all.

Tomorrow is a big day for us. I think Willie might be the most excited out of everyone. He gets to be an uncle tomorrow and has the whole day planned. As soon as Ross or I call my mom to tell her about "Gary", she is getting Willie out of school, taking him to lunch, and then they are coming for a visit to the hospital (but, not until they get lunch). It should be an exciting day!

Wish us luck!

The last "Gary" update before D-day

Hi:

This is the last update before "Gary" gets here next week. First, all is well. We had our last ultrasound on Monday and the baby is still clocking in with a giant head and weighing around 8 pounds. If you are interested in placing bets on length, enter them in the comments section. Ross and I are both guessing around 23 inches long.

Today was my last Doctor's appointment. We are still measuring ahead of the game (40 at 37 weeks) and heart rate is steady at 145.

"Gary"will officially greet the world on Tuesday, January 23, 2007. We don't have a time for the c-section scheduled yet, but that should get worked out Monday of next week. The Doctor and I are shooting for the earliest time, which would be 7:30 am.

At the request of Momacita, this is what "Gary" will be wearing home from the hospital.

Isn't it cute? It might be the only time the little outfit fits the kid so he'll definately wear in on the journey home.

And finally, we still don't have a name for the little guy. I think we figured out his last name, and have sort of settled on a middle name, but a first name is still up for grabs. Which means, if any of you blog readers and family members out there would like to offer some final suggestions...do so now.

10 Days and Counting....

Yesterday was an eventful day at the doctor's office and at the NST. Gary is on his way here, whether we are ready or not.

My appointment was early in the morning and Ross came with me. The Doctor is always so excited to see Ross because he knows that there will be lots of questions. I don't ask lots of questions, I read too much on the Internet, but yesterday, we had a list of things to go over.

The lowdown is this:

• still measuring 2.5 weeks ahead of schedule



• baby is very low and ready to face the world



• heart rate is around 140



• already dialating and effacing (I made that word up and that's probablly too much detail, but I'll share it anyway.)



• Had to get some blood work done to see if I have toxemia, but the results came back clear. That doesn't mean that they'll be clear on Wednesday at my next appt, but we came out looking good yesterday.



• The Doctor asked me if I was still working. I told him that yesterday was my last day. He said good because otherwise, he'd tell me it was my last day. So, basically, I am to rest with my feet up (swelling issues) for as much as possible as long as possible all this coming week. What a terrible order to give someone. Now, I can finally relax and catch up on some reading.



• At the NST there were definate contractions. I couldn't really feel them, but the monitor says they exsist and I'll take it. Gary did beautifully by the way and we were only hooked up for 20 minutes. That's our 4th fast NST in a row. The kid is smart and has finally figured out how to avoid the buzzer.
  

Most importantly, we set a D-Day date. I wasn't prepared to leave the Doc's office w/o one and he was willing to give us a date. Because of the bedes and my blood pressure, Gary won't go over 38 weeks which means that if he doesn't come on his own this week, he'll be arriving on Tuesday, January 23, 2007. Yeah! It's so good to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Check out these sweet ankles

Yesterday, "gary" officially hit 36 weeks. Why is this significant you ask? It is significant because of this:

Your baby is still putting on weight — about an ounce a day. She now weighs almost 6 pounds and is a little less than 19 inches long. (Yeah right. "Gary" weighed 7 lbs 3 weeks ago)

At the end of this week, your baby will be considered full-term. (Babies born between 37 and 42 weeks are considered full-term; a baby born before 37 weeks is pre-term and after 42 weeks is post-term.)

We can almost count "gary" full term which means that we can introduce him to the real world and I am definitely in a hurry to do that. In addition to REALLY wanting to meet the kid that has been kicking me for months, the ravages of the whole process are really starting to wear on me. My blood pressure is creeping up again, my sugars are out of control and unstable and I basically feel like crap all the time. Look at this picture of my ankles as evidence of the disgusting-ness that I am becoming...

(In the picture notice that the left ankle is more swollen than the right, in addition to the left foot. Please disregard the unpainted toenails...I'll work on those next week, promise. If you know anything about diseases during WW II, my feet look like I have what is called wet beri-beri. Isn't that neat?)

Tomorrow is a big day for the two of us. We have a doctors appointment and I'm not willing to leave until we determine a D-day. I am requiring that Ross go with me because the Doc seems to like him and he can be my backbone and help me get a date. If that doesn't work, I'll cry. I'll cry until the cows come home if necessary. Well, I won't really cry in the office but I'll definitely cry in my car all the way home.

All we need is the baby

"Gary's" room is pretty much finished. We have a crib, a rocking chair, baby clothes, a diaper genie, and a bouncy thing. We have diapers...hopefully enough to get us through the first week. We even have pacifiers, just in case he likes them. There is just one thing missing...can you guess what it is (besides pictures on the walls)? I'll give you a hint. It starts with a B and ends in ABY. You're right, a baby! Hopefully "Gary" will be arriving sooner rather than later, in the next two weeks or so. At that point, Ross and I will be happy, "Gary" can get a real name (once we figure one out) and life will be hunkey dorey. We hope.

I uploaded a few pictures onto flickr today of the room. They are all in a set titled "Gary" and if you are interested in seeing them, just click on one of the following pictures.


"Gary" got a Gary for Christmas. Yesterday we picked up a "Mr. Crabs" finger puppet.


The crib and my new rocking chair. I sit in it every night.


"Gary" has already started an extensive stuffed animal collection.

Bad Mommy

I go to the Maternal Fetal Medicine office twice a week for NST's (Non-Stress Tests). I've been doing this now for about a month and every test is an adventure for me and "Gary" and all the other women who have "complications" that need to be checked in on regularly. I usually fall asleep through my test because, well, I'm just lying on a reclining chair/table thing in the dark listening to heart beats. It's suprisingly relaxing. Yesterday however, because I desperately needed to use the bathroom and was there for two hours hooked up to monitors because "Gary" had the hiccups, I was pretty alert. Alert enough to eaves drop on the woman doing an NST next to me.

Today "Gary" is at 35 weeks. Yesterday, the woman next to me, we'll call her Bad Mommy, was at 33 weeks. As the technician was measuring her fluid levels with the ultrasound machine, she pointed out to Bad Mommy that there was a lot of calcification in places that there shouldn't be calcification. Susie the tech. then asked Bad Mommy if she is a smoker. Bad Mommy said yes, but, "I've only had three cigarrettes today." My heart hurt right then for Bad Mommy's baby. The poor little kid is getting smoked out every day. As I continued to be monitored, the conversation got worse across the curtain. The amniotic fluid for a baby should be between 8-22 oz. but Bad Mommy's fluid was at 5 oz. Nothing for the little baby to float around in or help it out. As if smoking and low fluid wasn't enough, they brought in another technician to do a more in-depth ultrasound. At that point, they told Bad Mommy that her baby, at 33 weeks, weighs barely 2 pounds. Considering that "Gary" weighs 7 lbs and a baby at 33/34 weeks should weight at least 4, this little baby sure seemed to be in trouble.

Driving home, I was sad. I even told my Mom and Ross about it because I felt so bad. I guess it is another example of some sort of hidden maternal instinct I didn't know I had coming out, but I truly felt bad for this little baby. It is so sad to see a baby starting on the wrong track before it even has a chance to start out on the right track. Maybe if Bad Mommy hadn't have dropped so many F-bombs in the 45 minutes we were there at the same time, I might have felt bad for her, too.