Wednesday, April 01, 2015
why is it such a challenge?
I'm in a rut. I'm sure most of you know the kind of rut I'm talking about. The kind where, no matter what clothes you put on in the morning, even though it's your regular "uniform", you feel like you look like Captain Stupid. The rut where even though you are wearing make-up, there is no covering up those dark circles under your eyes. That rut where, even though you look at yourself every day and observe, where all your regular clothes fit just like they always have, the number on the scale keeps changing...in the wrong direction. Sometimes jumping three pounds overnight. How do I gain three pounds overnight?!
And then, even though he insists it's a compliment, your husband calls you curvy.
I'm sure it was, in his head, a compliment.
It doesn't work that way.
Here's the part I cannot reconcile, and it's driving me completely mad. I know that I am good at a lot of things. I have talents, that are put to use regularly. The entire dual immersion second grade things I'm the coolest PE mom in the world. I can sew up a storm every day. I never let the laundry pile up. I am smart, educated, kind, thoughtful, considerate, funny, musically challenged and like most people, I just really wish that I was a good dancer. I take really good care of my kids and am so proud that they are smart and kind and funny and special good kids. I think that I am a good wife. I know I'm a terrible housekeeper, but I'm okay with that and I am a really good cook to compensate for the messy bathrooms.
Why can't I seem to make any of that matter? Why instead, do I get in these ruts where, I feel like my self-worth and identity should be determined by my weight, how my clothes fit, whether my hair looks perfectly symmetrical and how much I exercise every day. Which, by the way, is almost never (but we don't need to talk about that). Why do I become consumed with self-doubt, hesitation and reservation about all the things that I'm good at to the point that I don't think I'm good at them anymore...all because I weigh as much as an offensive linebacker.
Is it hard for you to get dressed for church on Sunday? Sunday's are my most stressful and uptight days of the week. I go through outfit after outfit trying to get ready for church. My bedroom looks like a dressing room threw up. Never, do I make it to church on the first outfit I try, it's usually the third or fourth outfit that I settle with and head out the door in a huff.
Why do I do that?
It really makes no sense, at all. Does it?