Anxious!

It seems that I've always been a bit on edge. Okay, a lot on edge. One of those, glass is half empty kind of folks. Panic should be my middle name.

It is important to me to always have a plan (even though I don't always want to be the one doing the planning), a goal, an objective and get things done in a timely manner. When things don't happen as I think they should - I freak out exponentially.

Anxiety - a cruel bedfellow.

Sometimes the panic is mild - just a thought, then maybe a little out of breath and a touch of a racing heart.

Sometimes the panic is a bit more extreme - resulting in a little personal injury from banging my head into counter tops to slamming my wrist into the arm of the couch until I think I broke it. My wrist, not the couch.

Not the smartest ideas in the world.

Generally, in the past, when this overwhelming anxiety takes hold, I stop, reflect a bit, and drop something - I cut out the extra stuff, say no a little more often, and then go about the business of calming now.

Right now however, there is no cutting out. There is a lot to do and I need to do all of it.

After the little squirt was born, and life started in full swing again, I started wallowing a bit. A sort of drowning feeling. My chest was tight all the time, I couldn't breathe very good and I was in full scale panic mode. Nothing could calm me down - especially being told to "just relax" all the time.

Once it got to the point that people around me (okay, my husband) started to realize that I wasn't just being crazy - that I was really drowning in panic - he made me a doctors appointment.

That was now about 7 weeks ago. Since then, I take a little blue pill every day.

It helps.

Tremendously.

I still stress out.

And panic a little.

But that helpless feeling of "I'm going to have a heart attack right now" that was in my mind and chest is gone.

It's so good.

The pill I'm taking does have some side effects - and the ones that are affecting me aren't pretty.

The worst?

Sweating.

Like I'm menopausal - hot flash city. I cannot keep the house cold enough, and I go through two or three shirts a day.

And stomach aches - feeling nauseous some point every day just isn't that much fun.

But -

It's worth it to start to feel normal again.

And I'm starting to.

Feel normal again.

Whatever that means.