One month, moving forward?

Story:
My grandma passed away one month ago today. This afternoon, ironically, around 3:00 pm the time of her passing, the boys and I made a pilgrimage to the cemetery with a couple of roses. My Grandma's favorite flowers were roses.

Tangent 1:
I'm working on an epic, gargantuan, becoming bigger than my brain, family history project. The idea came to me right after Christmas and of course having no idea what would happen in the first few weeks of the new year, has become even more important to me now. The book I'm making was going to be a gift to my Grandparents on their 60th wedding anniversary in March.   It's still going to be a gift to them. A lasting tribute to their overwhelming awesomeness.

Tangent 2:
Yesterday my Mom, the boys and I headed out to my Grandparents house. My Grandpa told me it would be okay if I came out and went through some photo albums while he was at work. I unlocked the door and started to cry. I am such a boob! I took a deep breath, sucked it up and went to work. I found so many great old photos as I sat on the floor in their bedroom.  My Grandpa was so handsome.  My Grandma was beautiful and she loved us all so much.

The albums were so dusty. When I was finished and had put them all back exactly where I'd found them I got off the floor and went to wash my hands.  Grandpa still has Grandma's toothbrush in the bathroom. Such a silly thing to even notice but it just tore me up - happy because it's one more manifestation of the love he has for her and sad, because my mom told me that my Grandpa told her the other night that he just realized she isn't coming back.

Story continued:
I left the boys in the car, trudged through the slushy, mushy snow and stood in front of her grave marker. I set my flowers down, said, "Grandma I love you!" and got back in the car.  It was only a few moments but guess what, I know she heard me.  On the drive home, I had a conversation with myself about being a baby - why this is all so hard for me, and what I need to do to suck it up.

To my family who is reading this - is it still super hard for you?  Are you just so sad?

Maybe because I'm consumed with my Grandma right now, because of my project, it's ridiculously tough for me. I'm spending a good portion of nearly every day looking at pictures, reading words of tribute, and listening to her voice. I have an intense desire to BE her! I want a cause and a purpose like her. I want to love my family as much as she loved me. I want to volunteer. I want to make everyone feel important and loved and special.

In reality though - one month later, I just want her to hold my hand.