Monday, January 24, 2011

Still Sad

Cute boys.
(Sitting in the best chair in grandma's house)

Today, the boys and I headed to my grandma's house.  I had a framed picture of my grandma that I wanted to leave for my grandpa.

A few weeks ago, my sister gave me one of her keys to the back door.  At first, I couldn't get it to work and I thought, "Why would grandma change the locks?"

Then I remembered grandma wasn't here.

The boys and I got in the house and I had to stop myself from calling upstairs for her.

I had to find a picture for the viewing at her house.  I found it in the dining room.  The boys were so good. They were respectful and calm.  Because I was there alone, I walked up to my grandma's bedroom.  I felt her presence in every corner of that room.  In the pink carpet, the pink walls, the pink bedding.

My grandpa made the bed this morning, like he's done every day for the last year.  He did a really good job.  Hospital corners just like grandma liked.  Did your grandma teach you to make a bed with the sheets folded in hospital corners?  Mine did.  All the prettiest pillows were on my grandma's side and so were a couple of stuffed animals.  I just stood in the center of the bedroom and soaked it all in.  Her shoes, her clothes, her crutch, her jewelry, her pills still on the shelf, her pink lipstick on the dresser.

Why do tears have to be so salty?  The only time I cried today was standing in her room (and right now, but pretend that it was only once today.).  I didn't dare touch anything. I just stood there and cried.

Then it was time to go.  I spent my life growing up in that house and while my mom and her siblings were with my grandpa making funeral arrangements, I couldn't last 10 minutes in there without HER there.

It will get easier.  I know it will.  I pray it will.  But holy cow, it's really hard today.

You know what's funny though?  I spent the afternoon at my moms because her home is a gathering place, just like my grandmas.  As the night started to wear on us, my sister left - she took my brother to the library.  Ross came and we swapped cars so he could take the boys home while I ran a quick errand to find something new to wear to the funeral.

I was wandering through the Kohl's by my moms house, looking for the perfect pink sweater.  I felt someone walk up behind me - it was my sister and my sweet little Miss Molly.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.
"looking for something pink," I replied.

We had a brief conversation about sweaters, and whether you wear the new thing you buy to the viewing, the funeral, or both.  She then said to me, "Mom and Willie are here, too.  There in the men's department trying on suits."

I said my goodbyes to my sister and walked across the store to menswear.

I stood with my mom while my brother tried on slacks.

Then my sister came back into the store.  She left, and came back to find us and give me some pictures.  Isn't it funny how we all have this need to be together?  And, that we all have exactly the same idea, at the same time (to go shopping - just like my grandma would have been doing).

We were all standing in front of the men's dressing room.

Talking about the day.  It's been such a long day.

We all want to look our best and be our best for my grandma.  We know she'll be watching.


Anonymous said...

The day my grandma died, I realized I had lost my number one fan -- I had always been her favorite. What I miss the most, almost 19 years later, is the way she would always have a little treat for me. She was always finding the perfect little something to brighten my day. Of course, it was not the treat itself that made my day, it was the fact that my grandma always had me on her mind and was always wanting the best for me. I always felt absolute unconditonal love from her -- even when she had to tell me I was being an idiot. It's hard not to be someone's grandbaby anymore. May you find peace this week as you say goodbye and send her off on her new journey.

fivewoods said...

I stood in her room today - more than once - and had the same feelings and thoughts! Awesome post.....Thanks Annie


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