20 weeks

Today marks 20 weeks of expecting baby boy #3 and 20 weeks to go until he's here....give or take.  This whole baby process is a pretty amazing thing, it really is and this experience, this third time around, has been so different than the previous two that I'm super curious as to what the third little boy, the runt perhaps, has in store for me.

Elliott, 5 days old still in the hospital but finally opening his eyes.

When we were waiting for Elliott ("Gary") to get here I was sick and nervous and tired.  I was working full time.  It had just been brought to my attention that I was lucky enough to be a diabetic.  There was a lot of pressure (self created and inflicted) on me to do everything well.  I read books, read websites, monitored kicks and tried to control my anxiety...which at times was immense.

I was so nervous to be a mom.  I knew how to take care of a baby and a kid, but not full time and not one that belonged to me.  But, the excitement was overwhelming, the kicks and flips from the inside out a literal pain and the heartache of having a baby born early, with bad lungs, and stuck in a hospital for 9 days was pretty rough.  Minus when my grandmother's passed away years later, I don't think that I had ever cried so hard as the day I left the hospital and my chunky monkey stayed.

But, he came home and survived and thrived and became a giant fat Roley Polly who has turned into a vibrant and brilliant 5 year old.  We butt heads but I love this little boy more than anything.

Wyatt, one day old and sound asleep.

The second time around, I felt much more prepared.  I knew that I'd feel awful and wore my trusty pressure point wristbands nearly every day (and night) of the first 8 weeks or so.    But, even though I felt like puking all day long I had a giant two year old distraction keeping me busy and well...distracted.  Already having a kid, for me at least, was a great way to avoid being sick and miserable.  I probably let Elliott watch too much TV and eat too many chicken nuggets while waiting for the Chick to arrive but I was already entering mother of two survival mode.

Waiting for Wyatt to get here was very different than Elliott.  The anxiety and nerves were largely held at bay, the diabetes was very under control and if I would have known the personality of my number 2 son before, like I do now, the acrobatics and punches before he was born would have made much more sense.  This kid was captain destruction long before he was born.  

My greatest anxiety with the little Chickadee was that he, like his brother, would be sick at birth and have to stay in the hospital.  But, those extra 10 days of cooking, which nearly killed me, served him well and was with me in hours instead of days.  Bringing the number two boy home was hard, especially because his brother was sick.  Being a working (even if it was part-time) mother of two was more overwhelming than I ever anticipated it to be.  After 3 months of severe anxiety I was ready to be medicated to take the edge off and love my kids a little more than I was.

Now though, as he's a few weeks away from being three, I love him lots and lots.  Even if, and probably because he is crazy.  And, has chubby cheeks.

My third son, profile from 2 weeks ago.

This time around, this third boy has been so different.  I've been blessed by the grandmas in heaven to never be sick, except for a few weeks of going to bed early because I thought I might lose my mind...and my dinner.  My diabetes has been relatively under control, much more so than the previous two times.  This third time has been so "easy" (even though it hasn't - there have been a few things that have freaked me out) that minus the random daily "flutters", I'm still not totally convinced it's a baby.  A mass or growth or even a tumor? I even told Ross that we should rent a Doppler so I can make sure that there is a heartbeat, and not an alien plotting the demise of the human race.

My biggest concern this time around, is how to take care of an infant in the chaos that is our lives.  We, like everyone else, are busy and the schedules and the sleep deprivation and the feedings and the diapers...oh man.  Not sure I'm ready for it all over again.  But, I am ready to meet this kid.  Will he be a third clone - look just like his brothers, or will he be a redhead just to throw things off?  Will he be a tank or a twerp?  Will he be frantic like Elliott, peaceful like Wyatt, or a mix of the two?

I am excited.

Really, excited.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to talk about it again.  I'm too superstitious, to anxious, and too tired.