Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Fort Knox

Funniest thing I've read in a long time. 
(My husband shared this with me over the weekend.  I'm still laughing.)

Lately, everything in my life can be blamed on my hormones?

Or not.

I'm trying really hard to get all the things done in a day that I usually get done and still find a few minutes here and there to put swollen and sore ankles and feet up.  This week though, I've started my twice weekly NST's (Non-Stress Tests) (which are anything but non-stress).  This is where I go to the hospital, this time around to the Labor and Delivery department, get set-up in a triage room,  hooked to a billion monitors and then told to "relax" for 20 minutes to an hour while little twitchy does his thing  being tracked on a monitor.  It's actually a nice break, sort of, except for all the stress of doing it twice a week, finding someone to watch my kids, driving to and from the hospital and inevitably, even though I go right before, needing to use the bathroom right as everything gets hooked up and the nurse walks away.

Phew!  I'm tired just thinking about it.

But, I keep reminding, baby, baby.......In a few short weeks I get a baby out of all this and that, in the end, keeps me from crying.  On most days, anyway.

But, I digress.  The boys and I had to run an errand this morning.  The place we needed to go, when we pulled up in front at 10:45 didn't open until 11:00 am.  Fifteen minutes to kill.  I had a brilliant idea.

Why don't we go to the library, just around the corner.

Even better?  Why don't I be a good mom and actually get a library card.

It was decided and I had two little boys very excited to venture to the biblioteque.

Me?  Not excited.  Library's literally make me sick to my stomach if I'm there for more than 10 minutes.  No joking.  I enter a library and I have to find a bathroom.  When I was a student at the "U" and had to crank out some massive study sessions at the Marriott Library my routine was always the same.  Enter library; find cubby; sit down, get out all my stuff; open Ritz crackers; sneak open coke; pack up most of my belongings and speed walk to the nearest bathroom, hoping the stuff I left in haste was still there when I returned.

It always was.  Thank you fellow Utah students.

Anyway, the public library.  We walked in confident.  I approached the librarian.  I should have known by the "I hate my job" look she was giving me that this was not going to be easy.  I told her that I needed a library card.  She asked me if I've ever had one before.  I said, "Yes, but not since I was probably 10 years old."  She looked me up by my maiden name and birthday and I was not in the system.  Obviously.  Because, like I said, maybe when I was 10 I had a library card...that was 24 years ago.


Next, she handed me a bright pink half sheet of paper and asked me for my drivers license with my current address.  I told her that I moved recently (a year is recently, right?) and that my DL did not have my new address.

She was not amused.

She told me that if my address was not current on my DL then I had to have another document with me to get a library card and referred me to the paper.

Some of the other documents included:
passport or government ID (with current address)
cell phone bill
medical bill
water/gas bill

You get the idea.  She then directed me to a computer to fill out an online application and told me that she could issue me a temporary card.

I did as I was told and then let the boys each select three books.

We went to check out.

She found my recently completed application, gave me a temporary card and then I stood there, thinking that she would help me check out the books.

Bitter librarian just stared at me.

I asked if she would help me.  She said no and pointed to the computer kiosk.  She told me it was easy to use and that I SHOULD be able to do it.  Apparently by this point, "I'm with stupid" was printed across my forehead with an arrow pointing down.

I did it.  Barely.  Apparently with a temporary card, I could only check out 2 books, not 6.  And since I didn't know this, I checked out two of Elliott's books and none of Wyatt's.  Dramarama in the car I tell you.  Drama!

So, here's the thing.  Apparently I am super naive about the library.  I didn't realize that they needed a vial of blood from my first born a lock of hair and a criminal background check with up to date finger prints to check out a book.  It's a library.  I wanted some books!  Just some books!  I figured that I'd go in, they would verify my address, match me up to my husband (I tried to use him as a reference....avid library user he is but alas, it didn't work) and I'd have a card.  Voila!

Like Forrest Gump said:

Stupid is as stupid does.

I may never go back.

And, my stomach still hurts.

1 comment:

Jodi said...

Trevor and I went to get a library card the day after we got married. I know it was weird but we wanted a newer edition to a Maui guide book than we had. We got the same run around, but no temp card was offered. We had to leave and return. It was difficult to find something with our printed address because we do everything electronic. We moved two short months later. The card was never again used.


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