Have you seen "Hoarders" on tv? It's exactly what it sounds like and the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Some people are gross - and when they can't help it because it's a crazy OCD/anxiety disorder it moves from gross to really sad. The show has, for me, added one more level of thinking in my already crowded brain.
No, I'm not about to admit I'm a hoarder. Not in the typical sense anyway.
Perhaps we're all hoarders of something.
I think I'm a hoarder of, "I want to do it all and do it all really well and I have to do it all because no one else can do it like me," syndrome/mental state/crazy nutso thoughts....
Whatever you want to call it.
That's me. I try to do everything: family, house, church, work, be creative, read...
The list could go on but you get the idea. It's like I'm trying to be 12 different people in 20 different places all at the same time.
It's really not working well.
My brain is crowded.
My body is tired.
I'm out of shape, out of sorts, and out of time.
So, what to do?
I'm not sure, but I read something yesterday that's at least given me some food for thought.
The blog, "Superhero Journal" is one I've been blogstalking for a long time. I've even bought jewelry from Andrea, the author. I've always found her words to be thoughtful and inspiring.
Yesterday however, she hit it on the nose for me.
She wants to clear out her life. I want to clear out my life as well.
Some of her thoughts:
Part of my soul work is to find balance, to create a well rounded life where rest, exercise, friends, food and joy are a natural part of my landscape. This cycle of work, get sick, fall behind on work, work harder, get sicker... I just can't do it anymore.
And then I surf the internet and see what everyone else is doing-- the blogs, (how do they write so often?) the Etsy stores, the books published... their pretty houses with dinner on the table every night... and the shame seeps in and the critical voices start howling in my ear. Hurry up, you're falling behind, you're blowing it, get your sh*t together...
And then I remember that wait, I am one of those people that others see this way. The superhero character that appears to have it all together, who is doing all that cool stuff (how does she have time for all of that?) and I see how all of these projections are a fiction, something I made up, something we all make up. It is the way we gather evidence, our proof that we are the ones who are not good enough.
It's not true.
And I'm tired of living as if it is.
I've decided to take a break! and I am closing my jewelry shop until March (or perhaps longer) If you have taken the Mondo Beyondo course you might recognize this as my clearing. I am creating space in my life for more richness and more joy. I am creating space to create a home, to nurture myself, my marriage and my family. I am creating space to connect more with my spirit.
I am tired of being a doing machine.
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That phrase - "doing machine" really it it for me. Sometimes it feels that's all there is - doing. Always doing is really starting to wear on me, my soul, and probably my kids and my husband too. The stress and anxiety caused by doing probably isn't worth it, right? Anyway, It's time to clear out some space in my life, find some time for myself, and really refocus on what's important.
I was told last night by a new friend that she can't believe how I "get it all done"
If only she knew.
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